the ultimate bond

the more i think and pursue knowledge, the more i feel the limit of my intelligence, and the more i sense that there's an ultimate equation/explanation that will explain all the mysteries of the universe. i believe there's an ultimate "bond" that links through everything, and our job is to find that bond and figure out what it is.

come and go

waste when able as it's expendable
mourn when gone as it's with you no more
what perishes returns
what's here eventually vanishes
let be eaten alive by time
let be indulged in delusions
let not regret
let go as time flows

no one else

Margaret Thatcher: "I think we've been through a period where too many people have been given to understand that if they have a problem, it's the government's job to cope with it. 'I have a problem, I'll get a grant.' 'I'm homeless, the government must house me.' They're casting their problem on society. And, you know, there is no such thing as society. There are individual men and women, and there are families. And no government can do anything except through people, and people must look to themselves first."

k: "And you know, there are no such things as society and family. There are only independant individuals, and people must look to themselves first cos really, there's no one else."

the list

brilliant brits: thom yorke, radiohead, black box recorder, nick drake, sarah brightman, enya, dido, pink floyd, gorillaz, simon cowell

fabilous franch: emilie simon

amazing americans: david byrne, korn, iron & wine


welcome to complete the list

p.s. more simon: simon vs. old witch, too old to be a barbie, sweetheart, that's how you lose your money

yeah, fuck me

Youth has long passed. time is flying by soundly.

Energy and hopes assemble to accumulate so they may eventually evaporate.

Addicted to what we do, the way we live.

Halleluiah. try to be thankful for …............whatever.

Find a hope, try to believe in it, fall back on it.

Utopia – a deceitful place where we blow our colored bubbles, and watch them explode.

Create reasons to conceal the essence of deeds.

Keep it up, everyone. nice job so far.

Madness or happiness – what we perceive the world is the only thing that matters, not the true nature of world.

Enlighten me by deleting files in my brain.

God, tell me

god, tell me why
1. i was born the way it was
2. i was raised in such a family
3. the brain works the way it works
4. you generously offer freedom but define certain choices sins. wouldn't it be better if there weren't freedom? wouldn't it be better if we were robots?
5. people become "bad". who's responsible for their "badness"? who's to blame for the way we think? who's to blame for the way the brain cells work? do we have a choice to think differently? do we have a choice to be born with a different brain? do we dominate the brain, or does the brain control us?
6. we need to sleep
7. there is greed
8. we suffer
9. you punish the rest of human beings for adam's and eve's fault
10. you didn't destroy the devil before creating humans
11. you never answer me when i call you
12. the world is the way it is
13. people cry
14. people laugh
15. i'm numb

god, tell me
how long i'll have to live like this
how long the world will last like this

god, omnipresent god, omniscient god, tell me, tell me all

self

self only self
no family no parents
close ears unplug the phone
no hard feelings only self indulgence
be be who i feel to be
love only love who i choose to love
now only now not moments ago not later
no past no future yes now
i i'm the one with great mind
i i'm the one with no mind
let them go and i'm a free girl
free to be free to go
it's all indifferent shadows

wet dreams and others

i've been having wet dreams almost every night or every other night. and it's so vivid that i can actually feel the craving (is there really a line b/w reality and dreams?). it's all very frustrating cos it doesn't reflect my true self -- i've never had sex, and i don't want any. yet, i dream of it.

my roommate suggested that it's not sex that i wanted but something else: maybe subconciously i was longing for someone to share my life with, etc. i denied her theory right away, but deep down, i know it's a possibility. really, it comes to a point where i don't know what i want or what i need anymore. lately, i've been convincing myself that life is more than a process of getting a degree, working, retiring and dying. i hope i'll get better. i hope one day, i'll find the meaning of life and enjoy life....still hoping.

last night, i dreamed my mom died. it's the second time i dreamed her death. i was not glad, nor sad. i was totally numb like it's non of my business but was worried about having to attend the funeral.

although i'm not sure what/which dreams will come true, a good number of my dreams has already practised in reality (all/most dreams i had when i was a senior in HS have come true).
(and also, for some reason, i have deja vu a lot!)

i look into the mirror, wishing the meat and flesh i see was not mine and wishing i was away. i pour myself a cup of milk. milk pleases my taste buds. i'm heading back to my finance textbook to sense the mystery -- the mystery behind everything, the mystery of the universe.

back on track

last night was the first night i slept all the way to the sunrise since the school started. i felt so blessed. in the past two weeks, i'd wake up around 3. the xmas break has really screwed up my timing.

also i started writing again and have posted some things on the web. i'm sure i'll feel the same way about my msn blog after a certain period of time, but let it be a testimony of my footsteps and stupidity. thus, i shall never delete my blog again.

speaking from the heart

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