wet dreams and others

i've been having wet dreams almost every night or every other night. and it's so vivid that i can actually feel the craving (is there really a line b/w reality and dreams?). it's all very frustrating cos it doesn't reflect my true self -- i've never had sex, and i don't want any. yet, i dream of it.

my roommate suggested that it's not sex that i wanted but something else: maybe subconciously i was longing for someone to share my life with, etc. i denied her theory right away, but deep down, i know it's a possibility. really, it comes to a point where i don't know what i want or what i need anymore. lately, i've been convincing myself that life is more than a process of getting a degree, working, retiring and dying. i hope i'll get better. i hope one day, i'll find the meaning of life and enjoy life....still hoping.

last night, i dreamed my mom died. it's the second time i dreamed her death. i was not glad, nor sad. i was totally numb like it's non of my business but was worried about having to attend the funeral.

although i'm not sure what/which dreams will come true, a good number of my dreams has already practised in reality (all/most dreams i had when i was a senior in HS have come true).
(and also, for some reason, i have deja vu a lot!)

i look into the mirror, wishing the meat and flesh i see was not mine and wishing i was away. i pour myself a cup of milk. milk pleases my taste buds. i'm heading back to my finance textbook to sense the mystery -- the mystery behind everything, the mystery of the universe.