k's utopia

love strangers

2008-11-18T10:08:00.002-05:00

after coming back from the phone answering position, the dilemma between money and conscience torn apart on its own. at the end i chose conscience. no matter how i poor i get, i'm not going to sell my soul for money (for whatever soul i have got left). i only wish the business was appropriate. if so, i don't mind trade my health and youth for money.

right after the informal interview, i met up with a guy of the same province. i rarely know him. i don't tend to take any advantage of him, and he doesn't take advantage of me. we each had two beer and poked some jokes to overshadow my problems buried underneath. i drink and i laugh; i love alcohol and i love strangers.

2 drinks + 1 dinner + 1 stranger = help me get by.

a foolish teacher, a big-time philosopher, and a bold student

2007-08-19T22:03:00.001-05:00

Background: the teacher was quoting a big-time philosopher: “one cannot possess the air, but one has to possess land” to amplify the pains that the Jews experienced.

1. the statement does not say a specific piece of land. i can stand on this very spot in my living room, but i can also stand in the bathroom. The Jews can live in the land of Israel; they can also live in Europe, Africa, Asia, etc.

2. it has logical error(s) in the statement: a) if "possess" is referred to ownership, the 2nd part of the statement has error: yes, a person cannot own air, for there's no market place to buy the air. but one does not have to possess the ownership of a land in order to stand upon it. b) if "possess" is referred to "occupy", the 1st part has error: yes, a person must occupy a land because the person's feet are set upon the land, but at the same time, one has to occupy air for one’s nostrils are set upon the air.
the 2 entities, air and land, are equally important. the philosopher was just trying to exaggerate the importance of land as humans often fight for land. and the fact that the air is free and invisible causes people to agree with the philosopher's statement without a second thought.

Note: I am not antagonistic toward the Jews. What disgusts me is some foolish teachers who like to impress people by quoting rhetorical thinkers, and when confronted with formal logics, they further embarrass themselves by accusing the student of being assertive.

defining oneself

2007-08-19T22:01:00.000-05:00

background: "before 1948, jews had no country to refer to, and thus can't define themselves."

if one was to define oneself, he/she does not need the concept of nation to do so because it's the personal values that distinct one from others. one might ask, does nation shape individual's values at all? i argue it's the family and surrounding people/experiences that shape the values of individuals. Mrs. Thatcher once said "there is no such thing as society. There are individual men and women, and there are families." nation is a made-up concept that people imagine in their heads. thus, nation, the imaginary concept, has little/no impact on individuals.

although families, friends, and experiences are more accurate means to define a being than the notion of nation, it wouldn't be convenient to use such measures as it'd take hours to talk about families & experiences. therefore, we need a noun, in this case, a country name that is known to people.

thus, when it comes to defining oneself, it is the convenience of communication that people need a country (or a country name), not the accuracy of truely defining oneself.

the ultimate bond

2007-08-19T22:00:00.000-05:00

the more i think and pursue knowledge, the more i feel the limit of my intelligence, and the more i sense that there's an ultimate equation/explanation that will explain all the mysteries of the universe. i believe there's an ultimate "bond" that links through everything, and our job is to find that bond and figure out what it is.

come and go

2007-08-19T21:57:00.000-05:00

waste when able as it's expendable
mourn when gone as it's with you no more
what perishes returns
what's here eventually vanishes
let be eaten alive by time
let be indulged in delusions
let not regret
let go as time flows

no one else

2007-03-24T00:13:00.001-05:00

Margaret Thatcher: "I think we've been through a period where too many people have been given to understand that if they have a problem, it's the government's job to cope with it. 'I have a problem, I'll get a grant.' 'I'm homeless, the government must house me.' They're casting their problem on society. And, you know, there is no such thing as society. There are individual men and women, and there are families. And no government can do anything except through people, and people must look to themselves first."

k: "And you know, there are no such things as society and family. There are only independant individuals, and people must look to themselves first cos really, there's no one else."

the list

2007-03-08T02:14:00.000-05:00

brilliant brits: thom yorke, radiohead, black box recorder, nick drake, sarah brightman, enya, dido, pink floyd, gorillaz, simon cowell

fabilous franch: emilie simon

amazing americans: david byrne, korn, iron & wine

welcome to complete the list

p.s. more simon: simon vs. old witch, too old to be a barbie, sweetheart, that's how you lose your money

yeah, fuck me

2007-03-08T01:54:00.000-05:00

Youth has long passed. time is flying by soundly.

Energy and hopes assemble to accumulate so they may eventually evaporate.

Addicted to what we do, the way we live.

Halleluiah. try to be thankful for …............whatever.

Find a hope, try to believe in it, fall back on it.

Utopia – a deceitful place where we blow our colored bubbles, and watch them explode.

Create reasons to conceal the essence of deeds.

Keep it up, everyone. nice job so far.

Madness or happiness – what we perceive the world is the only thing that matters, not the true nature of world.

Enlighten me by deleting files in my brain.

God, tell me

2007-03-08T01:08:00.000-05:00

god, tell me why
1. i was born the way it was
2. i was raised in such a family
3. the brain works the way it works
4. you generously offer freedom but define certain choices sins. wouldn't it be better if there weren't freedom? wouldn't it be better if we were robots?
5. people become "bad". who's responsible for their "badness"? who's to blame for the way we think? who's to blame for the way the brain cells work? do we have a choice to think differently? do we have a choice to be born with a different brain? do we dominate the brain, or does the brain control us?
6. we need to sleep
7. there is greed
8. we suffer
9. you punish the rest of human beings for adam's and eve's fault
10. you didn't destroy the devil before creating humans
11. you never answer me when i call you
12. the world is the way it is
13. people cry
14. people laugh
15. i'm numb

god, tell me
how long i'll have to live like this
how long the world will last like this

god, omnipresent god, omniscient god, tell me, tell me all

self

2007-02-16T20:06:00.000-05:00

self only self
no family no parents
close ears unplug the phone
no hard feelings only self indulgence
be be who i feel to be
love only love who i choose to love
now only now not moments ago not later
no past no future yes now
i i'm the one with great mind
i i'm the one with no mind
let them go and i'm a free girl
free to be free to go
it's all indifferent shadows

wet dreams and others

2007-01-27T20:23:00.000-05:00

i've been having wet dreams almost every night or every other night. and it's so vivid that i can actually feel the craving (is there really a line b/w reality and dreams?). it's all very frustrating cos it doesn't reflect my true self -- i've never had sex, and i don't want any. yet, i dream of it.

my roommate suggested that it's not sex that i wanted but something else: maybe subconciously i was longing for someone to share my life with, etc. i denied her theory right away, but deep down, i know it's a possibility. really, it comes to a point where i don't know what i want or what i need anymore. lately, i've been convincing myself that life is more than a process of getting a degree, working, retiring and dying. i hope i'll get better. i hope one day, i'll find the meaning of life and enjoy life....still hoping.

last night, i dreamed my mom died. it's the second time i dreamed her death. i was not glad, nor sad. i was totally numb like it's non of my business but was worried about having to attend the funeral.

although i'm not sure what/which dreams will come true, a good number of my dreams has already practised in reality (all/most dreams i had when i was a senior in HS have come true).
(and also, for some reason, i have deja vu a lot!)

i look into the mirror, wishing the meat and flesh i see was not mine and wishing i was away. i pour myself a cup of milk. milk pleases my taste buds. i'm heading back to my finance textbook to sense the mystery -- the mystery behind everything, the mystery of the universe.

back on track

2007-01-19T18:19:00.000-05:00

last night was the first night i slept all the way to the sunrise since the school started. i felt so blessed. in the past two weeks, i'd wake up around 3. the xmas break has really screwed up my timing.

also i started writing again and have posted some things on the web. i'm sure i'll feel the same way about my msn blog after a certain period of time, but let it be a testimony of my footsteps and stupidity. thus, i shall never delete my blog again.

speaking from the heart

2006-12-13T21:16:00.000-05:00

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holiday alone

2006-11-23T16:44:00.000-05:00

almost all restaurents are closed today. i ride my bike hunting for food. landing at McDonald's, i order a cheeseburger and a small pop for today's thanksgiving dinner, and i am most thankful that McDonald's is open.

sitting by the window, i enjoy the moment when my eyes try to resist the sunlight. i see my face reflecting on a translucent material, and i adore my silky skin, wishing it'll be the same when i'm 40....i feel lucky cos the radio's playing radiohead, "just cos you feel it, doesn't mean it's there...." with Thom Yorke's sleepy voice.

i remember when i was back home, i so dreamed to be alone on holidays -- no family gatherings and socializing. now that pretty much everyone in school went home for thanksgiving, and i'm having the holiday all to myself, i still don't miss all the family gatherings but just wish someone could be here with me: i look at the person in the eye, and he/she stares back at me. we enjoy the moment, and when we finish eating our burger, we leave, each going separate ways.

it's a quite, sunny day. alone and silent. i just turned 21.